Although I try each year to prepare myself, it is always surprising to me when it happens. A tiny lurch of the heart when I realize that this year is like last year. Another year, and the slight sadness that smacks us motherless kids on Mother’s Day. Social media sucks.

See, my mom just wasn’t like your mom, probably. The “way” she was had a direct impact on the kind of Momma I became. Without going into a lot of detail, I was very careful with my own children and their mental health. Maybe that’s too broad. Let’s just say that I try to make sure that my kids never wonder if they are loved. When they were little guys, I made sure that their responsibilities were age appropriate, and that they never felt responsible for things that were out of their control. I didn’t want them to grow up in a cloud of guilt that overshadowed everything else.

“Angie, if you hadn’t broken that shoelace we’d have gone to the movies…now I have to spend my money on your shoelaces”. As an adult, I know how bizarre that statement was. As an adult I know she had absolutely no intention of taking us any where. We weren’t poor…shoe laces were less than a buck for 1 pair and the movies didn’t cost much either. As a child, though…it was my fault we couldn’t do something fun…again. Some little statement like that everyday for as long as I can remember…ugh. The “summer of no food”. Being too scared to ask for pads. Losing the house on my sisters birthday….yup that was my fault too. I got a keyboard for Christmas, and we were evicted in August. Yep…makes perfect sense. I always hoped she only said those things to me, but I always feared the worst. Thinking back turns my stomach, so I won’t continue…but you get the idea. My sister and cousins always made a little fun of me for always being “the good one”. I can smirk and shake my head about it now, but Sissy…now you know why, honey.

My sister said it best in a text on Mom’s birthday last month: “She’d be 65….reminding myself she would never have changed. I love you, Sister”. She is right. Momma never would have changed and I guess I sometimes mourn the way things could have, or should have been. . I know it’s silly. I’m a grown woman, and despite a lot of things, I am pretty well adjusted, and finally “ok” with myself. I am fairly certain my sister feels this way too. Kind of a miracle, isn’t it.

My momma was a fantastic Nanny to our kids. She adored them and was fiercely protective of those boys. None of them understand what their own Mommas survived, and I’m so glad of that. I know that they miss her and have wonderful memories of her and for that I am thankful. I’m also thankful we moved out before things turned out differently. Praise Jesus for RB opening my 30 year old co-dependent eyes.

In addition to a great husband, my marriage also gave me two “big boys” and gave my my boys big brothers. I love being a boy mom. Boys have the cool toys and are just….easy. I don’t see any of them as often as a I would like, but I treasure each visit and conversation. They are all so different and funny. Confession: I still see fat-legged toddlers when I talk to the little boys.

My sister and I are both pretty great at the mom thing. Although we parent quite differently our boys are “grown” now and they all turned out okay. I think we both wondered if they were all gonna make it. Lord have mercy on those hard-headed boys! It makes my head swim when I think about the crap they pulled…and we only know about half of it according to them! We loved (and threatened) them through it all.

This brings me back to the beginning of this conversation. I still miss my Momma, and that’s okay. She wasn’t great at the mom thing, and I am okay with that now. I am not even sure she really knew what love was about, but I know she loved the boys as best she could, and that is enough…finally. I think she tolerated me more as an adult, as long as I did what she wanted me to and I am okay with that now. I have to remind myself that she was also a product of her environment. All things considered it is amazing she was functional at all and I have to be okay with that, too. I broke the cycle and I am more than okay with that.

To my sister: Happy Mother’s Day. You are amazing, and brilliant, and worthwhile. I pray that you know and believe that. You also need to eat a piece of cake from time to time. I love you and I miss your stupid face.

To my boys: I love you. Thank you for making me crazy with worry, and for all of the tears I have shed with and for you. I am so thankful you have figured out this whole adulting thing the way you have. You are doing an awesome job at being daddies. Stick together and stand by each other always. Your brothers are the best thing to ever happen to you. Believe it. I pray for you daily and am standing in the gap for you and your family.

To the other kids of a mom like mine:

In case no one has told you today, or ever…